Idle Eyes and a Dormy

Preparation Ache

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 13:06:00 +0000

I am freaking out...a little.

We are having our first ever holiday party here tonight. I have spent the last 2 weeks planning, coordinating, shopping and decorating to get the house just right. Despite having a battle plan, I awoke this morning in a mental frenzy as I think of all the things left to do before tonight and my heart races a little. I had hoped to be all done so I could jut sit and relax today until the party started tonight, but no such luck. At least all the errands are run (except for one last food pick up) and everything I have to do is here in the house: final clean-through, bath for Clyde, some food prep and then set up the food table. Doesn't seem like much but I only have 10 hours to do it, hubby's not up yet (and neither is Clyde) and I'm antsy to get started.

I took pics of the house decorations to post but there's no time today. Here are two I took at the end:

Clyde relaxing in front of the fire.

Me sneaking in to share his bed...he was not amused!

OK, enough lollygagging...I'm off to make this hovel sparkle like the Taj Mahal!

Mothers always know

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:12:00 +0000

An early x-mas gift from my Mom. She said (and I quote):

"I thought you could wear it the next time you're hanging out with your friends during the Holidays."

Yeah, she's on to me. Big Time!

Share this with everyone you know.

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:25:00 +0000

Bad Day

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:44:00 +0000

It's been a bad day for me emotionally and physically.

Nuff said.

I am ashamed to be a New Yorker...

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:55:00 +0000

...and beyond disgusted and furious at the bigots who just legally discriminated against me and my kind. I wish I believed in Hell so I could hope they would all rot there.

Making Truffles the Sassy way (NSFW?)

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 10:00:00 +0000

As promised, today is the day I am going to share my Weight Watchers low fat, low calorie Chocolate Almond Truffle recipe. I was just going to post the recipe, but I thought you might enjoy something more entertaining, so I decided to record my recent Truffle making escapades for you.

First things first, you MUST have a kitchen. Cooking or baking or making any food items in the bathroom is just very inappropriate and unsavory.

Normally I'd say you need this book, but you don't really because I'm going to share the recipe with you here.

And this is what we're making, a perfect holiday treat.

Per serving (one truffle = one serving):

45 Calories
1 g Total Fat
1 g Saturated Fat
2 mg Cholesterol
27 mg Sodium
6 g Total Carbohydrates
1 g Dietary Fiber
1 g Protein
10 mg Calcium

Weight Watchers Points per serving = 1

I was about to begin when I realized I was wearing my new Justice League shirt and size 32 Jeans, and I really didn't want to get them all coated in cocoa, so what was I going to do?

Well, take them off, of course. First, the jeans.

Oops...going commando...better adjust my angle a bit.

Now the shirt...

But one must never prep goodies completely naked, else one might get splatters in the most inconvenient places (unless you're cooking with a friend who can help you clean off.) So...a fabulous apron is needed.

Tie it tightly, now. We wouldn't want things all exposed, would we?

Ta Daaa...all pretty and aproned up, ready to cook.

Oh suddenly I feel a bit silly, but no time to reconsider my outfit, as it's time to get cracking.

OK. So, here's what you'll need:

1/2 cup of unsweetened cocoa powder, plus some extra for later
1 cup of sifted confectioner's sugar
1/2 cup (4 oz) of light cream cheese at room temperature
1/2 teaspoon of almond extract

I should note here that I doubled the recipe, as the recipe in the book is supposed to yield 24 Truffles and that was not going to be nearly enough for my bowling buddies.

Also, you'll need a big mixing bowl. The Tree shaped tins and truffle papers are optional, of course, but I wanted to go festive and have something to easily transport the truffles to gay bowling in.

Oh, you'll need some measuring cups and spoons, too.

And, finally, have electric beaters (or a mixer) and wax paper handy.

If you decide to use truffle papers and tins or some such thing, I recommend getting them prepped ahead of time. We're about to get quite messy.

First, add your 1/2 cup (or cup) of unsweetened cocoa powder to the bowl.

Next, add your cup (or 2 ups) of confectioners' sugar to the cocoa in the bowl.

Then add the room temperature cream cheese (4 oz or 8 oz) and almond extract (1/2 tsp or 1 tsp) to the cocoa and sugar. Next, plug in your electric beater, plop it in the bowl, turn it on high, and mix the living hell out of that powdery concoction. And smile while you do it...you never know who's watching.

Hmmm...is it done yet? Nope, not yet!

Oops...leg itch...but don't you stop mixing. Don't you dare.

Now, at first. you might be worried that the mix is too powdery and only whipping up clouds of cocoa and you may wonder to yourself if something has gone horribly wrong. It will feel like hours have gone by and all you have is a dry mud pit.

But, if you persevere for what is actually only about 2 minutes or so, you will discover you finally have a nice creamy consistency to the batch, like this:

Now put that bowl down, lay out some wax paper and spread some of the extra unsweetened cocoa powder over the wax paper.

Scoop up and drop a rounded teaspoon of batter directly into the cocoa powder; then, pick up the powdered glob and roll it between your palms until you have a nice rounded ball of chocolatey goodness. Repeat this 24 to 48 times.

WARNING: Resist the urge to scratch your ass, else you might leave a cocoa brown hand print.

My double batch yielded 40 truffles, not the 48 expected, but I didn't obsess to much about the size of my balls. (I never do.) I'm sure if you adhere to a strict rounded teaspoon each time, you'll get exactly the number of truffles the recipe promises. Then I placed all my coated balls into the paper cups in the tins. See how pretty they look?

Next, you want to refrigerate the truffles for at least 1-2 hours before you plan to serve them, to make them a bit stiffer and easier to handle. (Yeah, that's right...I said stiffer and easier to handle.)

But what if you have a bunch of these cute little Truffle cups left over?

Why, use them as chaffing guards for your nipples, of course.

P.S. If you have a pet, they may feel neglected while you are preparing your treats. Extra goodies and cuddles may be necessary to garner his or her forgiveness.

I hope you've all enjoyed making Truffles with me, sassy stile, as much as I enjoyed making them for you. Let me know if you try this recipe and if you're happy with the outcome. (They were a big hit at gay bowling!)

(And remember: EVERYTHING is more fun when you're naked.)

World AIDS Day 2009

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:23:00 +0000

In memory of Uncle Gordon and those who died;

for those who live with HIV and AIDS, both those I know and those I don't;
for those who fought the battle for the infected, abandoned and ignored;
for the friends and community members I'll never know;
for those who continue to fight;
for hope, for a cure, for an end to the crisis:

World AIDS Day 2009

Show your support:

wear a red ribbon
get tested
make smart and safe sexual choices
fight AIDS-phobia
Remember and honor those who came before

UNDIE MONDAY 55 - 4

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:49:00 +0000

Slipping it in at the last minute, Rambling Along gives us a final tease for the evening.
I want to sit on that lap and tell him what I really want for Christmas.

Undie Monday 55 - 3

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:22:00 +0000

I saw Mangina Monologues taking Undie Pics
just this morning in the bathroom stall.

I would definitely creep down the stairs or anywhere to have an up close peek of this....

Undie Monday 55 - 2

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:18:00 +0000

The Princessa of Mexico tries to cool things down with these winter blue and white briefs
but he's had the opposite effect.
This snow man isn't afraid to display his snowballs and corncob pipe.
I wonder if I'm the only one melting?

Undie Monday 55

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:15:00 +0000

Welcome to Undie Monday 55!

We're heating up the holiday season with the return of some of our sexy favorites, so pull the shades, grab the mouse and scroll down to see what yumminess awaits!

Your host, Idle Eyes, kicks things off with some wonderful new undies.
All I need is some handcuffs and rope..er, I mean bracelets and a lasso, of course.
Anyone want to visit my "Paradise Island"?

Thoughts Made Bald has me all a shiver with this hot shot in undies, shirt and tie (the closest thing I have to a fetish.) I know how I'd greet this sexy stud if he came home from work in this outfit...I'm looking to earn browny points with the boss by working overtime
to make him feel good.

Back in force, Blair's Corner reminds us what we've been missing.
This stud should be a mailman, because he ALWAYS delivers the goods
and you can always count on him having a nice package for you.

Jim's Stuff proves that boxers are sexy...as are the men who wear them.
I know what I want Santa to bring me for Christmas this year:
those boxers with Jim in them.
Of course, he won't be in them for long...

Markngvl returns, bold and beautiful as ever.
No one tantalizes and titillates better than Mark does.
Why do I suddenly want to toss a salad and clean the kitchen?
He he heeeeee.....

Reminder: Undie Monday 55

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:13:00 +0000

Tomorrow is Undie Monday 55.

We already have some entries from some returning favorites, so you don't want to miss out on being part of their sizzling return. Baby, it may be cold outside but it's going to be hot hot hot at Idle Eyes tomorrow, so don't wait...get those pants off, undies on and pictures taken and get them to me ASAP. Let's start this season off right - with sexy men in the undergear.

This post is not an excuse to show off my cool new shirt

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:37:00 +0000

But SINCE I'm posting something, I might as well show it off.

I went back to the gym this morning for the first time since the October hospital stay. It was amazing to be back and to be putting my body through it's paces. I really noticed (visually) the weight loss for the first time, as I stared at myself in the full length wall to wall mirrors. The last time I was staring at myself, I was 25 pounds heavier, had a shaved head, and was pumping up to fly to Portland. It was weird to not totally recognize the person staring back at me in a mirror and to grasp how long it had been since I had worked out and why. There was some brief teary-eyed emotion, but I composed myself and got on with the business at hand. I did not do the weight I had left off at, but I made it through most of my arm routine at lighter weights with more reps. I forgot to do one station, but I also added one station, so it all evened out. I ended with 35 minutes on the treadmill as fast as I could walk without jogging (4.5 miles an hour.) I have been told I can't run until we have confirmation that the blood clot in my leg is gone. It was hard not to break into a sprint because I really wanted to, but I'm a good patient and follow orders to a tee. Besides, if I have to go without cosmos for the duration, I should get to go without running, too, right?

In celebration, I headed to Target, tried on and bought myself some size 32 jeans. I was stunned they fit. I was going to avoid buying 32s for fear I would quickly gain some weight and outgrow them, but that seems like a back-assward approach. Instead, I bought the jeans as an incentive to keep at this weight. I am happy being thinner and I want to really make the effort to stay this way. Returning to the gym will be a huge asset and maybe with less fat to burn off and through, I may just show some definition before too long.

One sad note: I got my Wonder Twin tees in the mail yesterday and was so excited to show them off until I realized they sent me 2 larges instead of 2 mediums. I have an e-mail in to them asking if I can return and exchange them. (If not, anyone interested in 2 large Wonder Twin Tees?) FYI: I ordered the women's Jayna tee Large because I found a size chart that said if you are wearing women's clothes, buy a size larger than what you wear in men's size. However, the tees were identical, unisex tees, so I will buy 2 mediums when I reorder or exchange them.

Now I have to go make Weight Watcher's one point chocolate almond truffles for tonight for our favorite gal pal at gay bowling, Donna the wonder waitress. They're super easy to make and taste delicious. Let me know if I should post the recipe and directions.

Tis The Season

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:30:00 +0000

Not much time to blog today. I survived Thanksgiving with the family and without alcohol. Dinner was OK (my sweet potatoes not so much) and everyone left smiling. I found it a whole lot of work with very little pay off and don't think I need to itch that scratch again any time soon.

Today I was at the Lab Corp clinic at 6:30 am to get follow-up blood work done and, since we were already up and out, we hit Lowe's and BJs for new holiday decorations. (we went from 2 to 3 x-mas tress this year.) Despite it being Black Friday (a day I have NEVER stepped foot in a store on before) we didn't experience anything other than normal traffic and a pretty light customer crowd, perhaps because neither of the stores we hit seemed to have much in the way of 4 am crazy special deals. Whatever, we were done and home by 8:45 am and I spent the day decorating. We're not done, but it's time for a break and dinner with my friend Jen who's in town from NYC for the holiday.

I'm soooo tired.

Thanksgiving 2009

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:49:00 +0000

Enjoy your toast, popcorn, jelly beans and pretzels today and be thankful for your health, a place to go, food to eat and someone to be with. Any and all of those things are more than many people have. For those struggling with obtaining any of them, I send you wishes that you will have all of these things and more sooner than you think you could.

I'm thankful for all of you and for having a place to say what I need to say when I need to say it, for better or for worse.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Idle's Thanksgiving Carol

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:18:00 +0000

Over at Idle's and Jeffrey's big house
The Breen clan will gather to eat;
Sister and brothers, Significant others
And Mom makes the guest list complete, oh!

Over at Idle's and Jeffrey's big house
Oh, how the liquor will flow!
To warm up the toes
And tickle the nose
And keep all the tempers at low!

Over at Idle's and Jeffrey's big house
The Macy's Parade will be on;
We'll ooh at the floats,
While our tummies bloat
Until the last morsel is gone!

Over at Idle's and Jeffrey's big house
We're hoping the meal comes out fine!
But if it fails big,
Our drinks we will swig
And open more bottles of wine.

Bowled over

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:10:00 +0000

As you all know, I've been bowling my little gay heart out for the last year.

At first, we joined the new gay/gay-friendly bowling group because it was going to be casual, unsanctioned and just for fun - a group of people knocking down pins and making every sexual innuendo about balls you can imagine. Neither Jeffrey nor I had ever been regular bowlers or league members, only hitting an alley on occasion to throw a ball with friends, and neither of us ever imagined we'd commit forever or get serious about the whole thing.

Two seasons later, we are paying members of what is now CAPB - an LGBT mixed sanctioned league and we both own bowling balls, shoes and bags.

The reasons I have chosen to stick with the league are:

1. I enjoy the social aspect of it with new and old friends.
2. I enjoy being part of a gay-centric, community group again.
3. I like the extra weekly exercise it provides. (Anything that keeps me from sitting home and eating is a good thing.)
4. I've always thought bowling was fun. It's simple to grasp and does not require knowing a lot of terms and rules or equipment.

What has surprised me is how much more serious I have grown about improving my skills, partly for my own sense of satisfaction and partly because I want to be an asset to my team, not just the low-scoring, comic relief. This desire to get better is what encouraged me to purchase my own ball and shoes, as I was told shoes and a ball that actually fit my hand and feet would instantly improve my game. It hasn't to the degree I had hoped, yet, but I definitely notice the difference: more control of the ball, better aim, more solid approach and stance on the lane.

I am fortunate that a few of the friends I bowl with have been willing to coach me and share tips with me to help me improve my game, as they see me struggle to do better and fail time after time, week after week.

My first coach was Matt, my gym buddy and friend, who has been part of the league as both a full-time bowler and part time sub from its inception and bowls in other leagues as well. Matt explained the fundamentals of bowling to me, gave me some pointers that I use to this day and definitely gave me a boost of confidence which certainly upped my skill level a little and gave me a taste of what getting better felt like; but, I still had a long way to go.

The lane we bowl at has two "dollar bowling" nights a week: Mondays and Wednesday. From 9-11, you can bowl for a dollar a game. Many of the CAPB bowlers get together each week either or both days, reserve a couple of lanes and get some extra practice in. That seemed a little too time consuming and late-on-a-school-night for me to join in at first, but recently I decided I wanted more practice so we've started going to these dollar nights as we're able.

One of the staples of our league and dollar bowling night is our friend Rich a.k.a. '"Trixie." (Side note: Trixie is Rich's drag persona. Even out of drag, we all call him Trixie and we refer to him as she and her. Therefore, for the remainder of this post, I will be referring to Rich as Trixie; although Rich does not bowl in drag, he is and always will be Trixie to us.)

We met Trixie at the onset of our bowling experience and became fast friends. She is such a fabulous, warm, loving, caring person, it is impossible not to like her. Nearly every week she shows up with some baked good or treat for the league and, if there is an opportunity to offer her services or help to anyone in need in any way, she is there with a smile and a hug, ready to pitch in and help out. I would be hard-pressed to name someone more generous of themselves or their time.

From the first night I attended the extra bowling nights, Trixie was there, by my side, assessing my approach and gently offering tips without making me feel stupid or resentful. Her approach was always one of a friend who saw my struggle to improve and genuinely wanted to help me get better. Her tutelage has been immensely helpful and my game is progressively getting consistently better, albeit by baby steps, as opposed to leaps and bounds, as I had foolishly hoped a couple extra nights of practice might do.

What inspired this post, however, was not so much the desire to share the tedious details of my bowling experience to the masses, although you had to read through all that any way. What inspired me to post is the gratitude for the overwhelming support I have continued to get from Trixie, my husband, my Teammates (Tony and Tim,) my other friends who bowl and even the guys I don't know well that we are often bowling against. Despite the light-hearted teases, taunts and bravado displayed in fun and jest at and between us before, during and after games, there is a true sense of camaraderie, support and joy among the CAPB bowlers for each other when we do well and sympathy for when we do not-so-well. Everyone is there with celebratory applause or a sympathetic pat on the back, depending on the need at the moment. Trixie exemplifies the spirit of our league: a sense of community and earnest well wishers who want to succeed and want to see everyone else succeed as well and have fun doing it. She has made me a better bowler, not just in skill, but in spirit, as have all of my other team members, league associates and friends.

I look across the alley and lanes at the other leagues and bowlers and I just don't hear the laughter, see the interaction and friendliness, the pure joy of having fun with one's peers and friends that I do in our league. I hope we never lose that spirit or atmosphere.

With people like Trixie involved, I doubt we ever could or will.

And for that, I am really grateful.

Undue Monday 54 - 2

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:11:00 +0000

Apples Peaches Pumpkin Pie
I see someone's scrumptious thigh...
among other things. Thanks for the early feast for the eyes Mangina
Monologues (http://manginamonologues.wordpress.com/)

Undie Monday 54

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:12:00 +0000

Welcome to Undie Monday 54!

The holidays approach and we're all getting busy and frantic,
but there's always time to stop, drop trou and snap a pic for your fans here at IEAAD, isn't there?

Your host, Idle Eyes, showing you can dress a man up
but you can't take him out ....
without pants on.

Thoughts Made Bald sees Idle Eyes bid and ups the ante (or is that panties?)
by showing a man without pants can wear undies
and still show more skin than I did....lick!

Blobby's Blog makes it three for three,
showing the best dressed men are undressed!
I love a man in flannel...and out of it.
Woof!

Thanks guy, for heating up our Monday as always.

So, we're down to 2-4 weekly contributors. (And thanks for those who contribute...trust me, I'm personally NOT disappointed having the focus on the few of you) but should I keep going with Undie Monday? Is the interest in contributing waning? Will you all keep enjoying UM even if it continues to be just a couple of us or (FSM forbid) was just little old me and one undie shot a Monday? I know the spectators enjoy it, but without guys to spectate at....

Yes, we have no bananas...

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:19:00 +0000

...or blog post content today, for that matter. For the first time in eons, I spent the entire day laying on the couch reading my growing pile of new comic books. (I get them weekly and was over 2 months behind.) Yup, today was all couch-potato comic book bliss.

I am only up and showered and clad in my pretty pink bowling shirt because we were meeting the iBears for dinner at Scarboroughs before a night of gay bowling.

Tra la la la la.

Reminder: Undie Monday 54

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:27:00 +0000

Tomorrow is Undie Monday 54. You know what to do.

(This may be your last chance to squeeze into your current size undies
before gorging on fish, fowl, mammal or tofu Thursday.)

Friendship

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:46:00 +0000

"The words that escape a friend's mouth are "I'll be there when you say you need me" but the words that are unheard from a true friend's heart are "I'll be there... whether you say you need me or not."

- Anonymous

Everyone always talks about the difficulties of romantic relationships: how hard they are to find, to keep, to lose. The funny thing is, for me, the Romantic relationships were easy. I knew when I was with the wrong guys, and I knew when I was with the right one. Not that simple in execution, but certainly that simple in awareness, for me anyway.

No, the relationships that vex me most of all are friendships. The people who come in and out of my life, stay for a short time, a long time, forever or leave, sometimes out of unavoidable circumstances and the way our paths inevitably part and sometimes for sadder or more painful reasons.

I find myself wanting, in theory, to befriend and be a good friend to everyone; but I have learned that is not always possible and I often struggle with friendships that never blossom or, worse yet, sour.

I am driven by two great forces in my life: guilt and love. I feel both intensely or not at all. And nothing brings out both of them in me more powerfully than friendship and those who seek and share it with me. I have spent more time crying over friends than I ever did a lover, more time regretting words I said or didn't say, actions I took or didn't. More times feeling guilty that I couldn't befriend people the way they wanted me to than I ever spent over not reciprocating crushes or feelings of attraction (to be fair, those instances were few and far between, Still...)

Perhaps it is because, with my husband, my romantic relationship, what makes it work is that comfort of trust and awareness that we are safe with one another, truly able to rely on each other to be there no matter what, always caring about each other in good times and bad. We make that commitment to one another, first in our hearts and minds, then, sometimes before friends or family or whomever/whatever we choose to make it all official and "real."

But we don't have that with friends. We don't swap rings and vows, we don't have Anniversaries, we don't build homes and lives together the way we do with our lovers.

What we do with friends is build memories by sharing drinks and secrets late into the night; taking trips together and celebrating birthdays; visiting each other in hospitals and sending "thinking of you" cards just because. Doing all the things family and lovers do together without the blood ties and vows. So our commitment can only be shown through our actions.

I have always been the corny one among my friends, wanting to create visible signs of our connections: having shared inside jokes, nicknames and references, wearing matching jewelry, coordinating outfits when we go to events and having "group names" to identify us easily as a pack. From the outside, it may appear my attempts are to establish an impenetrable clique but for me, it's an attempt to solidify the bonds we share. It's not about sending a message to everyone else, it's about communicating a message among ourselves: that we have built a family of friends, a tight, close connection not easily severed.

Unfortunately, the closer you are to someone, the more it hurts when things go awry. Opening yourself up to the love and support of friendship also means risking the pain and hurt if and when things change or friction develops. The rules are less clear, the parameters less defined. How close can you get? How distant? How much do you compromise for a friend if at all? Do you put in the same you take out? What can you ask for and offer without crossing lines?

I know, or think I know, what all these answers are for me, but those answers don't always jibe with the others I develop bonds with, so I find myself struggling (where others might not) over where the lines are, what expectations it is normal for me to have, what we can and do expect from one another and, in the end, whether I love my friends too hard and expect too much from them for my own good or for the good of our friendships.

No matter what, I am not ashamed to say I fall in love with my friends and I accept the risks of what that means: the potential for hurt and heartbreak and loss if things don't carry on as I want them too. But, like any other thing in life, if you don't risk the failure, you'll never achieve the success and I would risk a string of broken friendships for the handful that have filled my life with joy.

So for those in my life and may someday be, as Samantha did for Carrie (in the "Sex and the City" movie) in her hour of need, when Carrie could not lift herself out of bed for even life essential nourishment, I will always strive to be the kind of friend who feeds you soup when you can't feed yourself, whether it be for the tummy, the mind, the heart or the soul.

I hope you'll do the same for me.

The rest we'll figure out as we go along. For better or for worse.

Breenlantern: "Hardcorps"

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:59:00 +0000

Dat's right all you evil dealin' mutha fu**as, the Breenlantern is Corps to the Core, power-ringed up and ready to kick yo sorry asses; so who wants to step up and get a taste of will powered punches and ring slingin' slam downs?

Brain Porridge

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:20:00 +0000

I have nothing to post, so I'm just going to let my mind wander and type whatever comes into my brain. You've been warned.

During my near return to the hospital Wednesday morning from what seemed to be another intestinal blockage, I thought "I'm going to die from this." I've never thought that before. Now I wonder if this is what will kill me and when. It seems so unpredictable and unavoidable.

We just consolidated all of our credit card debt into two MUCH lower fixed interest rate loans through our Credit Union which will save us over $6,000.00 in interest and shave at least 2 years off our debt repayment plan. I feel like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders and I am o longer a victim of the thieving loan sharks that have held us under their thumb for years. We currently have no open credit cards except for American Express. We've been living on cash for years anyway, but this makes it all official: bye bye credit cards and a big %$#&!*@! you!

I weigh 159 pounds, thanks to all my recent illness. It is bittersweet that my body betrays and rewards me at the same time. I am not glad to have experienced what I have to be this thin and would take the weight back in a heart beat to have a healthy, functioning intestinal track again (anyone got a large intestine they're not using?) but since this was thrust upon me, I can at least enjoy wearing 34s again (possible 32s but I don't currently own any). I don't want to put weight back on, but I do want to be able to eat a plate of food again that doesn't result in blockage and send me spiraling into painful spasms for hours and days on end. You can only eat so much soup and apple sauce, people.

I am having my family over to our house, for Thanksgiving dinner, for the first time ever. Well, some of them: My mom, my older sister, her daughter and fiance, my younger brother, one of his sons and a co-worker of Jeffrey's. I also have an older brother (my oldest, lives in Phoenix: can't come) and another older brother (married, 2 kids, lives locally, already committed to another dinner and can't come) and 2 more nephews and a niece (living with the brother's soon-to-be-ex-wide in Virginia) that would have been welcome if they were hear. Normally I avoid T-day family dinners like the plague, but I'm trying a new approach this year and trying to accept and embrace that this is what family's do and see how it goes. Mayhap by having it here, in my home, under somewhat of my control, will make a difference. Just wish I could drink, as my cosmos would surely help. Anyone know if ONE day of drinking while you're on Coumadin will do permanent damage? Because 'm thinking a damaged kidney just might be worth the risk for some alcohol-induced serenity.

I have a love-hate relationship with my job. Some days I think "I can't do this day in and day out for the rest of my life" as I plug away at the same data, the same routine, surrounded by the same people over and over; but then I realize I have no interest in starting over somewhere new and how incredibly sweet I have it at my current job: very little to no pressure or stress, no customer service, sweet hours with some flexibility, condensed work schedule with every other Friday off, decent salary and benefits with more raises and increments guaranteed, potential to move up further, excellent reputation, great at what I do, mostly good, decent, respectable, friendly co-workers, lots of holidays and time off and, most importantly, accommodation, support and understanding for my recurring illnesses.

I miss going to the gym and seeing my work-out buddy, Matt. I still hope/plan to return to working out some day, but 'm afraid to push my body too hard right now after all it's been through. That's not an excuse I use not to go, I am genuinely afraid if I push too hard it will shut down (and I have been advised by two doctors to avoid any strenuous exercise beyond walking for now.)

I am still so very in love with this house and living here. I can't wait to decorate for Christmas. I can't wait until the summer when we can enjoy the pool again. I love that every day I'm excited to come home to this space. Who knows...maybe somehow and someway, we just might own it some day.

I am having a personal dilemma with someone in my life (or who wants to be) that I don't click with and don't want to spend time with. We met him at gay bowling and he seemed nice enough but he's young, very pushy and clingy, and very immature. He has taking a shining to Jeffrey and me and wants to hang out with us every day and constantly texts, e-mails and calls to see what we're doing. We have had dinner with him a couple times and had him over for a movie night, but he does not mesh with our other friends (in fact, they don't like him at all.) I would not let that stop me (my friends don't dictate who else I can and can't be friends with) but it just so happens I do not enjoy his company, he is not the kind of person I like being around and he has made some fatal slip-ups: referring to someone he knows is a good friend of mine as an "asshole" twice and standing Jeffrey and I up at a restaurant (for a pre-arranged dinner/movie date he invited us to) for 45 minutes, with no apologies when he arrived. I feel like we have given it an honest try to be friends, but it's just not there. His latest message "I want you to call me and make plans to get together." I have not responded. I have always tried to be honest with people in the past and I know I have hurt people because the friendship doesn't always develop the way they wanted it to, for which i genuinely feel bad, and I DO try to avoid hurting people whenever possible, but I just can't lie and pretend to like spending time with someone when I don't or that there's a friendship there when there's not. So, have any of you ever had to "break up with" a friend or tell someone you're not interested in spending time with them? Is it more cruel to be honest or just ignore them? What is the right thing to do? Ugggh!

I have a confession to make: I like bowling. I like my new ball and shoes. I genuinely want to get better at bowling for myself and my team. I like meeting my fellow gays at the bowling alley for a night of pin knocking. There! I said it. My name is Idle Eyes and I'm a gay bowler.

The most exciting thing that has happened to me recently, aside from seeing 159 lbs. on the scale, was winning a full run of the original Ms. Marvel comic series on eBay and getting my Justice League Unlimited 3 pack action figure set with Apache Chief, Samurai and Black Vulcan in the mail. Now if they'd just make a Wonder Twins set, I'd be in heaven.

I'm concerned that contributions to Undie Monday have dropped off a bit. You all make it possible, so without your contributions, it can't happen. I hope it's just a lull and we'll be back to a full participation with all our regulars and, hopefully, some new folks, soon. Thanks for all those who manage to contribute each week. I know it takes time and effort and it's much appreciated. And for those who have had to drop out for whatever reason...please come back as soon as you're able...we miss you.

OK, that's enough free thought for the day. Thanks for those who made it through. Have a great weekend.

Haven't got time for the pain

breenlantern@gmail.com (Breenlantern) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:47:00 +0000

I really want to write something cohesive and meaningful today, but I am way too preoccupied to do so. My health took a scary turn for the worse Wednesday, and I spent another long, sleepless night in pain and fear, dreading what might happen if things did not improve quickly. Fortunately, things started to resolve themselves yesterday morning (just 18 short hours late) just as the husband and I were discussing the need to head to the hospital once again. Unfortunately, I am still on the mend from my previous episode, so this really wreaked havoc on my body. I lost another 5 pounds (I'm currently 159) and I am so dehydrated that my skin is painfully dry and my feet and leg muscles keep cramping up on me, (imagine how hard it is to get a decent night's sleep when your keep having painful spasms) not to mention how undernourished I am, something that's hard to recover from when I'm terrified to eat anything for fear I'll have another episode.

As always, the hardest part of any sickness or injury is having to keep functioning in the real world when you're not ready to do so. I had to go back to work today, I have to attend a wedding rehearsal dinner tonight, I have to go the wedding on Saturday, I have to pay bills, do chores yadda yadda yadda. Yes, I have a husband who takes on a lot of responsibility when I'm laid up, but there are some things he just can't do for me. So, I suck it up and do what I have to do.

But what I really want to do is go home, climb into bed, stop having any pain or discomfort and sleep for a week.

And I also want to eat a big, fat, juicy steak.