Head Purge

I worry that my blog has become a junky fast food version of real blogging. I post pictures and quizzes and videos and crap but rarely take the time or effort to expound on anything with substance these days, unless I'm whining about my job or my body or my finances. Yes, I know it's my blog and I can say what I want, but I sometimes lose sight of why I started this blog in the first place: to opine about the things I am too polite to voice in mixed company and public places; To give a voice to those of us who don't believe every one's lives should revolve around children, junk food, debt, monogamy, heterosexuality, clothing, religion, home ownership, etc. Not because any of these are bad things, per se, but because they are not for everyone and we should stop behaving and talking as if there is one right way to live, love and believe and try to understand, accept and respect that we, as adults, have the right to live our lives as we see fit without the need for other's approval or support, if it does no harm to others.

When I came out of the closet, just past my 18th birthday, I did more than free myself from the constraints of a homophobic society imposed "straight" way of life - I began the long, arduous process of freeing myself from all the pre-conceived notions of who I had to be, how I had to behave and what I had to believe. It has taken years and great effort to change and shape myself based on my own discoveries and developed beliefs...to shed the baggage of what I was brainwashed to believe about god, people and the world. To separate myself from the cult of religion, debt, heterosexuality, monogamy, and a variety of "lifestyles" I had always been at odds with but could never quite understand why.

I still crave the acceptance of others and fear their rejection and admonition. I still am tempted to take the popular way of believing and doing things because it causes less friction and generates more acceptance. But when the end of the day comes, and I look in the mirror, I have to ask myself: Do I like who I am and what I did today? Have I been true to myself? Did I adhere to my own set of ethics, morals and beliefs or did I take the coward's way out and say and do what pleases others more than what pleases me? Am I who I set out to be today?

I am constantly struggling with self identification and actualization in an environment that encourages (and sometimes almost demands) homogenization. There is great risk and potential repercussion in admitting to people that I:

• don't want to buy a house
• don't plan to live with debt forever
• spend my hard earned cash on comic books
• won't shop at Walmart - ever
• refuse to buy gas at Mobil - ever
• won't eat at Crackerbarrel - ever
• don't support forcing animals to perform for our entertainment (circuses, et al)
• don't like to be around children and never want to be a parent - ever
• don't support and won't participate in religion
• don't believe in a god
• enjoy attending clothing optional events
• won't tolerate fat jokes from people
• won't tolerate racism
• " sexism
• " ageism
• " (you get the picture)
• love another man and consider ourselves married no matter what
• do not have a monogamous relationship
• identify as a bear
• do not revere youth or hairless bodies
• do not believe men are invisible or unsexy because they aren't buff or are older than 16
• refuse to lie about who I am and what I do when confronted
• don't apologize for who I am or what I do
• insist on speaking up, as a matter of principle, when others assume I (and everyone around them) think, feel and believe the same way they do
• struggle with my body and weight despite believing we should love ourselves as we are
• enjoy musicals without apology
• love my dog as an important part of my family
• love my friends as my chosen family
• don't have a close relationship with my family
• don't expect or tolerate less respect from my family than I do everyone else
• dont' blame my debt and weight and failures on my family, society or anything else
• believe we all should take responsibility for our life and our choices
• etc etc etc

Even now, as I type the things above, there is concern (fear?) of the comments it may generate and the response it could garner, as I never know who will find their way to my blog and read all these personal things about me and feel the need to educate me on the proper way to live my life or remove me from their life because of who I am and what I believe. But I am nothing if not an open book, and bravery is not so much being without fear, as it is overcoming it and saying and doing what you think is right anyway, regardless of the risk. (Thanks for that, Green Lantern)

And, on that note, because I'm feeling all purgy and reflective today, here's a few more things I'll bet you didn't know (maybe didn't want to know) about me and/or might be surprised to learn:

• I developed much of my ethics from comic book characters.
• I think Jesus rocks and I find his ideals inspiring, even if I don't believe he was real.
• I believe love can encompass sex and lust, but does not require it, and vice versa.
• I think people should give more and take less.
• I think people should give out what they expect in return.
• I think it's OK to not like somebody.
• I hate when people assume things about me, even if they're right.
  
• I think violence is wrong and should be avoided as much as possible.
• I think we all think we know what we'd do "if...." until we really have to do it.
• I think we all can be our own heroes.
• I think too many people do what is popular over what is right.
• I think too few people stick by their ethics and morals because it's too hard.
• I think we tend to resent others who live as we want to but are too afraid to.
• I think we offer our opinions too often when they're not solicited.
• I think too few people can admit they're wrong.
• I think many people don't know how to sincerely apologize.
• I think profanity is out of control and should be removed from every day conversation.
• I think smoking is bad for us and non-smokers should not have to be exposed to smoking.
• I do think people have the right to smoke, though. Your body, your right....
• I still smoke a cigarette or cigar once in a blue moon.
• I don't like getting drunk.
• I don't like being around people who are drunk.
• I don't like hearing people brag about how drunk they got or are going to get.
• I love coloring in coloring books.
• I miss being able to feel my husband or any other man inside of me.
  
• I don't regret my surgery, just what it cost me, sexually and physically.
• I sometimes resent men who are thinner than me and in good shape.
• I sometimes resent people who have and have had it easier than me financially.
• I hate working a 9-5 job and would quit in a heartbeat if I could.
• I want to be a house husband and stay home and cook and clean and bake and sew.
• I wish I was a professional artist but don't have the drive.
• I wish I played trombone better but don't practice enough.
• I wish I had a college degree because I am embarrassed that I don't.
• I think I am a good sexual partner, even if I don't think I'm very attractive.
• I would have plastic surgery and liposuction to improve my body if I could afford it.
• I have never shown a picture of my stomach because it has scars, stretch marks and odd pockets of fat where my colectomy and subsequent reconstructive surgery created areas where the fat coalesces. It is the one area of my body that truly repulses me and brings me shame and I believe, if I could repair it some how, I would be immensely happier with how I look naked.
• I am more afraid of everything and everyone than you will ever know.
• I will run from a (physical) fight every time. I am ashamed of that.
• I believe I would take a beating or a bullet for a loved one, though.
• I still would rather live in Canada than the US.
• I do not believe I have ever given someone a (good) reason to hate me.
• I know that I unintentionally hurt people sometimes with my jokes and wisecracks.
• I genuinely feel remorse when I do.
• I hate saying no to anyone. Ever. For any reason.
• I have had sex with people I am not attracted to because I didn't have the heart to tell them I wasn't attracted to them.
• I still bite my nails and hate it.
• My bigger habit: I chew on me left pinky. My version of sucking my thumb.
  
• I worry people think I'm stupid.
• I generally believe most people do most things better than I do.
• The one place I believe I am superior in knowledge and skill is at work.
• I think I am a harder, smarter worker than most of my colleagues.
• I am never sure where the line is between arrogance and pride.
• I apologize for everything.
• I am an obsessive people pleaser.
• I want to fix everything.
  
• My neat freak tendencies are waning as I get older.
• I love my dog, but sometimes dream about the freedom of a pet free life.
• I have no doubt (never did) that my husband and I will be together until death parts us.
• I don't believe marriage is for everyone.
• I wish I looked, sounded and acted more "butch" sometimes.
• I dream about being a superhero.
• I do sometimes seriously wonder if I have a split personality.
• I think hate speech should be banned.
  
• I'm not sure I would stay with me if I were my husband.
• I don't like: flip-flops, collars up, pants below the waste line or caps on crooked.
• I seriously dislike seeing a woman naked. It actually bothers me.
• I like/love some people more than they know.
• I like/love some people less than they realize.
• I will never elaborate on that. Ever.
  
• I would rather hurt myself than someone else.
• The truth is not always the best idea.
• I will lie to save someone's feelings from being hurt if I can.
• I wish more people understood me.
• I wish I knew how to play piano.
• I still don't feel grown up, despite everything I've been through.
• I like Anne Murray, Barry Manilow, Air Supply and the Statler Brothers. Unashamedly.
• I think line dancing would be fun.
• I don't like it when people hit me, even lightly.
• I used to dream about being a woman as a child.
  
• I do not want to be a woman and love being a man, or a close facsimile thereof.
• I'd rather people dislike me for who I am than like me for who they think I am.
  
• I like using adages and cliches when they hold true for me.
• I still remember my first boy crush: Skyler from Kindergarten.
• I had a mean streak when I was younger. That knowledge still haunts me sometimes.
• Guilt is a driving factor in my life.
• The surest way to piss me off is tell me what I should think or do.
• When I get angry, I get Hulk angry.
• When I love, it is with all my heart and soul.
• I defend others more easily than I defend myself.
• I really do believe what I say and try to practice what I preach.
• I know and believe I'm not perfect.
• I do think I try hard to be a better person.
• I fall short a lot of the time.
• I go back and correct old posts when I see there's a typo.
• I can be very petty and passive-aggressive.
  
• I struggle with quantity over quality sometimes.
• This list and post is too long but I can't seem to stop adding stuff.
• I hope everyone read this to the very end.
• I wish my blog generated more comments than it does.
• I'm grateful for the devoted readers and commentors I have.
• I'm making myself stop now.